Not Your Fault But Mine
by lord-is-it-mine
Summary: By the time he's finished with the (crazy to most people) story of technical consent and angel meds and Zeke's ultimatum and 'I did it to save Sammy, I had to', they're sitting face to face, knees barely touching and it's like summer camp because he's spilling all his secrets like it won't actually change anything. Coda to 9x03. Smut, language, angst. Title from Little Lion Man.


'Kay so I am sorry if this is a little OOC (it probably isn't I'm just super paranoid) it just really flowed for me like this so I went with it.

* * *

Dean is not crying- there's just something in his eye.

It's the morning after the worst conversation Dean has ever had, and he wants more time. He gave Cas the night to rest and most of the morning to pack a bag- he's been running around grabbing clothes he doesn't need so Cas can have something, anything- but now he just wants more time. Or maybe he just wants to redo last night, to have spent it making Cas forget April's name, searing his _own_ name onto Cas's skin instead of sitting in his own room just thinking about doing it. But now it's morning, and Cas is leaving.

So yeah, maybe he is kind of crying.

"Dean."

He can't even look Cas in the fucking eye, but he has the sneaking suspicion that if he did, he wouldn't see a shred of anger, hatred, nothing. And of course that, well that just makes Dean even angrier and guiltier and _god damnit_, Cas puts a hand on his shoulder and he has no choice but to look up (just like he has no choice but to do the worst thing to Cas that he can possibly imagine short of killing the guy himself).

"Dean, I understand."

Cas knows. Dean hasn't given much explanation other than "I'm sorry Cas it's about Sammy, I-" but Cas is still Cas, and Cas can still see through every layer of shit that Dean has covered himself in.

They're standing outside the bunker, Cas with a backpack slung over his shoulder and Dean holding his duffel- the sun is out and Dean wishes is was raining now more than he has ever wished for almost anything. He's agreed to drive Cas to whatever place he's decided to go, and he hopes that maybe it's somewhere really far away so that they can be in the car for a long time. Sam hasn't even talked to Dean since he found out about this. He just said something along the lines of "What the _fuck_ Dean?" and gave him the ultimate_you had better have a damn good reason for this we'll talk about it later_ bitch-face.

But right now is about Cas. And how he _understands_.

"How, Cas? How the hell could you possibly understand?" Dean isn't angry but he sure as shit isn't okay with Cas being so chill about all of this. But of course in answer to his question, the former angel just squints and tilts his head.

"You should be mad, Cas. You should be fucking pissed, you should be fighting every authority on this every step of the way, you should hate me right now, you-"

"I could never hate you Dean," is the response he gets. The hand on his shoulder moves up to his face, keeping him from avoiding Cas's gaze, which, by the way, is still as intense as ever.

"You are human, Dean. You are flawed and weak and you-" he pauses, as if his train of thought just went off the rails- "you put your family before all else. You lied to save my life, and I suspect you lied to save Sam's life also, and if the decision you've made could have been made any other way, I know you wouldn't have me leave. I am human. I am flawed and I am weak and you-"

"Cas, stop pretending this whole thing doesn't fucking bother you. Because it fucking bothers me!" Dean shouts. Shouting is kind of his only way to cope right now.

"Alright, _FINE_." In a flash, calm, _understanding _Cas is gone, replaced by the fierce warrior that Dean used to be almost afraid of. His eyes narrow and his mouth falls at the corners more than in normally does, and Dean can't remember the last time Cas looked at him like this. He looks incredibly _human_.

"It _bothers_ me, Dean!" Cas almost yells. "I feel betrayed. I am sad and angry and I don't know_ why_ you're_ doing_ this. You had a choice and I wasn't the choice you made, it hurts, and it is one of the more painful emotions I've felt recently. I should hate you, quite frankly I want to, I have every reason to, but I don't, and I doubt that what I _do_ feel for you has anything at all to do with_ reason_."

Dean swallows hard, trying in vain to ignore the obvious implications of _that_ statement.

"It _bothers_ me. Because I still _trust_ you."

"But how can you?" _Please don't Cas, don't because obviously the only thing I'm good at is hurting you. Please don't say you trust me._

"I have lost my faith in everything else Dean Winchester. Please don't ask me to lose my faith in you as well."

And then Cas is pressing his lips to Dean's like his life depends on it, and Dean is pressing right back, dropping the duffel bag on the ground and holding on for dear life to the sides of Cas's jacket. He hears the distant sound of Cas dropping his backpack and then arms are around his shoulders, fingertips pulling at the short hairs on the back of his neck and he shivers.

The kiss is by no means soft or tender or whatever the hell you would expect a first kiss to be- it's hard and it's rough but it quickly becomes the best first kiss ever. Dean almost jumps out of his skin at first but then melts into it like he's done it a million times. He's tempted to open his eyes and pinch himself and a butt load of other things that would prove that he is in fact dreaming. But he can't bring himself to check because if this is a dream, it trumps every other dream he has ever had. So he goes right along with it and Cas pulls him closer, not quite slamming but definitely pushing him against the side of the Impala. It's been a long time since Dean has been physically close to someone like this- and the fact that it's Cas just builds the heat in his gut even faster.

"Cas-" he half gasps half groans when the kiss ends and those perpetually chapped lips are dragging across his face and down his neck. Under any other circumstances Dean would say something snarky like '_A little eager, are we? Where's the fire?'_but he knows exactly where the fire is- it's burning across his skin wherever Cas's mouth and hands are going, memorizing his collarbone and slipping underneath the bottom of his shirt.

"Yes Dean?" Cas doesn't even sound out of breath. He pulls back for a second, gauging the hunter's expression. His pupils are blown wide and his cheeks are flushed, bringing out the freckles, every one of which the ex-angel knows off by heart.

"Please, don't stop, don't-" Dean's pleas come to an abrupt end when Cas kisses him again, this time coaxing Dean's mouth open and swallowing his moan when their tongues meet. It's like licking a battery and Dean thinks _okay there's the anger_, because Cas is suddenly pouring all his physical strength into this kiss. It turns really heated really quickly and suddenly Cas pulls the car door open and shoves Dean inside and Dean has very much forgotten the fact that Cas is supposed to be leaving, because he is here, now, as close as it gets, tangled up with him in the backseat. And then Cas rolls his hips slightly and Dean's heart skips like at least three beats because _fuck_, he didn't realize how hard he was getting until right now.

Cas connects his whole body with Dean's, revelling in the vibrations of the sounds he's making when they meet his lips, the almost electric buzz that seems to emit from every inch of him. This is nothing like his night with April- he will admit that it was not an unpleasant experience, even if she did later attempt to kill him- but being with Dean is just somehow deeper, and he wonders if it's because he trusts Dean and needs him and is so hurt and angered by him- and he wonders how such light and such darkness can be so utterly _perfect_ together. Dean shifts underneath him and he feels Dean's arousal press against his own, and a near feral growl rips from his throat. He begins to move against Dean in earnest and he struggles to form a coherent thought, which oddly doesn't bother him in the slightest.

Dean is losing his head in the best way possible. It's gotten to the point where any thought of Cas ever being gone has left his mind entirely. Cas's hot, wet breath meets his throat, followed by a hot, wet mouth sucking on a certain spot on his neck hard enough that it damn well better bruise, because yes, it has been too _damn_ long since Cas marked him. And all the while their hips grind together in perfect time and Dean thanks God or whoever for April because obviously Cas learned a few things. It occurs to Dean that maybe Cas didn't _learn_ anything- maybe he's just a natural- and yeah, Dean is totally bitter that he didn't get to be the first to find that out. So he runs his hands under Cas's shirt, up his back and across his sides- and he is particularly proud of the positively wrecked moan he gets from the other man when his fingernails barely scrape over the new tattoo- just as their hips meet one last time.

They both come within seconds of each other, Cas with a muffled Cry of Dean's name, and Dean with a loud sigh of _Cas_. They just kind of lay there after that, huffing and puffing and trying to catch their breath in the aftershocks- and Dean feels relaxed for the first time in almost a week- until he remembers where they are and what they've actually just done and the fact that Cas is leaving and the only one to blame is him.

And so he breaks down and tells Cas everything.

By the time he's finished with the (crazy to most people) story of technical consent and angel meds and Zeke's ultimatum and _I did it to save Sammy, I had to_, they're sitting face to face, knees barely touching and it's like fucking summer camp because he's spilling all his secrets like it won't actually change anything, and maybe it won't- because Cas still has to go and it's still his fault.

And then Cas just takes his hand, (an incredibly normal thing to do yet it somehow blows Dean's mind) and whispers,

"I'll go then."

"Cas, I don't want you to, but-"

"It's alright Dean, I understand."

"Does it still bother you?"

"Yes." _But I trust you_.

"Well okay then, I guess, but-"

"We should clean ourselves up before we leave." Cas finishes. And yeah, this sucks. Yeah Cas is going and yeah it bothers him; _however_... well at least there's a however.

"Yeah. Shouldn't take too long, the water pressure is great."


End file.
